What makes a good marriage union?
Most times when I am asked for my opinion, the first thing that comes to mind is that the enquirer is looking for supporters to give them the reasons to execute what they've already set their mind upon. Having said that, I will share with you my stories and hope that you will consider the opinions that follows with an open mind.
Once upon a time, most people have engaged themselves in that silly Cinderella story at some innocent point in their lives. They want to fall in love with a handsome prince or beautiful damsel and live happily ever after in a blissful, crazy sex life. Sadly, in these stories as you may have noticed, they usually skip all the dreary bits about their tiresome royal duties after marriage; the endless arguments that ensues because the royal couple is too overwhelmed with press meetings, sports & cultural events to have time for each other. Fable tellers also conveniently forget to mention the time when they stopped talking to each other for two weeks because neither can get a winning vote from the other on whether to go to a P. Diddy jam or a Justin Bieber concert.
Now, let’s bring the story still a little closer to home. One of my closest girl friends, Jacqui(we’ve been in touch for 20 years) fell in love with her dream man. Good education, strong looks and charming to the teeth. She decided to help him migrate from South America and so they committed themselves into a de facto relationship in Australia. She told me that in the time when they were together, she paid their rent and they shared a joint account in which she gives him the money for regular deposits. That is some serious demonstration of faith there. And may I add that she was thoroughly convinced and reassured me that he was completely in love with her. They even go to church together on Sundays!
In this time, the boys from immigration had followed him around for a number of years to make sure that the relationship is legitimate. Unfortunately, just recently they found discriminating evidence to prove that he had been cheating on her with a few other girls and this has been an on-going thing. So, last I heard he had been deported. He had used up in excess of $15 000 from their joint account and still he tried to win her back into forgiveness because getting deported would mean that he wouldn’t get a chance to amend the relationship with her.
So, what’s the point of this story? I am not here to say that he had victimized her - I've never met him so it really isn't up to me to judge. The point, on the contrary is that their love exists for each other despite of it all. If you ask me, I am sure that he loved her to a substantial degree. How else would you be able to share your life with someone on a daily basis without getting called out on your fake? My take is that the cheating is a sign that they were highly mismatched in some considerably significant areas. So what really went wrong?
This brings us back to our original question… what makes a good marriage union?
Everyone has different take on what is good marriage material. We all make personal choices for all kinds of reasons that to others, defies logic. Some like hot bodies, some like money and status, others like a simple minded or minimalistic individual, and then there are those who would rely on their friends and parents’ stamp of approval. In the end we all know that it just boils down to your personal choice of experience. It is only worth it if YOU think it is worth it.
But whatever your choice, be warned that real life scenarios like the aforementioned story happens all the time. Personally, I have been through the ‘she’s the one’ epiphany numerous times through a few long term and serious relationships which didn't end up being so ideal. From those I have learned that mere physical chemistry and being with a kind and understanding person are not the only factors to consider when it comes to marriage. Truth is, we will fall madly in love with a number of people in this lifetime and not necessary be able to live with each one of them. So one day, I sat myself down and asked my heart what is important to me.
Here are the three criteria that I came up with:
1. She must love God - and I am not talking religion here but a genuine respect for a higher truth that takes utter honesty to reveal. In the course of your courtship you will have discussed personal values such as work ethics, what money represents, types of friends to keep for company, children, quiet time, drugs, etc. It is likely that you may not agree on all things right away. But the key trait that I would look out for is this; that she demonstrates the willingness to invest time into researching those topics with the aim to uncover a higher truth and not so much rely on whose opinion is right or wrong. A marriage after all is a life-long journey together into the discovery of life in its entirety. She must possess the dedication to put in the time. If you as much as smell superficiality, walk away this instance. It might just save you from a bleeding heart a hundred times over.
2. She must share my passion (for music) - I am not saying that both partners have to love the exact same things. I am asking if our lifestyles compliment each other? I am just saying that your chosen directions in life could either keep you together for the distance or lead you apart eventually. For example, if you are a vegetarian, it will be difficult to live with a butcher. Or if you are in the entertainment business it would be very hard to live with someone who has a 9-5 job as your working hours wouldn't allow much time left for you to stay strongly connected to each other. Or if one likes to involve in humanitarian work while the other is a ruthless salesman. Once I was with a Navy girl who maintains that she will shoot to kill without questions if ordered by her superior and that relationship certainly didn’t last for this one gentleman. Bottom line, if you share common loves and beliefs, you will have lots of fun exploring them together for many years to come.
3. She must look pleasant most mornings - How is this person consistently like first thing when they wake in the morning? If I am to marry this person, I would want to make sure that I can stand waking up to this person pretty much everyday for the rest of my life. I have seen some of the hottest people on earth being unpleasant. And trust me, they look unpleasant.
I imagined that if I can match these three characteristics closely enough to a lovely damsel, chances are we would go very well together and I should incontrovertibly dive into the deep end of the pool with her. Shortly after, it happened. The match lit up. So I bungeed into the Pacific Ocean with this pleasant looking singer with an incessant search for truth. We opened a joint account and she migrated to Australia a year later. I thank God that so far, I’ve been proven right. I’ve been in a blissful, crazy 10 years relationship with her to date. But who knows? Maybe it's just luck. Maybe it's just a writer's over-imaginative derivation. Whatever it is, I will leave you with this quote from Buddha: "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
